Parenting Teens Just Got Easier

"Parenting Teens Just Got Easier"
www.SasoSeminars.com

LOS ANGELES RELIGIOUS EDUCATION CONGRESS

This past weekend Steve and I spoke at a very large and vivacious conference in Los Angles, CA. (www.RECongress.org

About thirty thousand people attend. There is a workshop for just about everyone and everything. And there are always surprises.

Darren, a father of a teen, approached Steve before our seminar and said that he was one of his former students from Bishop O'Dowd High School in Oakland, CA. Good grief! That is where Steve taught before we were married.

What a timely gift.

Darren shared that Steve was one of his most influential teachers ever! Wow! My heart was so proud of Steve. And I am grateful that he shared those words.

We impact people when we don't even know it.

And that is true in parenting as well. We influence our children both positively and negatively, even when we don't realize it.

Parents, we need to wake up.

If we want to raise emotionally healthy children we need to let them know how much they positively influence our lives. As Darren did with Steve, we need to help identify their strengths. And when we are upset, we need to keep our anger from escalating.

Much of the conflict parents experience with their teens could be significantly reduced if parents had an understanding of their participation in this dance of anger.

You started it.

Did you realize the vast majority of arguments between parent and teen are initiated by the adult? This is what the research indicates.

Parents usually have an agenda or expectation in mind and when kids aren't following the program, things take a turn for the worse.

Parents yell, push, name call, manipulate, coerce, take things away, remove privileges, car keys and cell phones.. to get their teens to do what parents see as best for them.

But this may not be what is right for the child, even when you think you have their best intentions in mind.

Let me tell you what I mean.

Sammy, a freshman in high school, is in counseling because his grades have dropped and his parents report that he is not being cooperative.

Dad is frustrated and cannot understand why Sammy just doesn't do what he is told. Things would be fine in the household if he would.

By the third time dad has to tell his son to do his homework, he gets in his son's face, blows up and then randomly starts taking things away. The goal is to have an OUCH to get his son to behave.

Dad truly believes he is doing right by Sammy. The problem is this does not positively influence Sam to improve his grades or get his chores done. In fact, it has the opposite effect.

Sammy told me privately, "I'm tired of my dad not listening. He is not going to tell me what to do any more and he can't force me."

Unrecognized anger from a parent is like poison.

Are you in a battle with your child to have him or her do something that you see is best, like chores or homework? You might want to reevaluate your position.

Parents, learn how not to let your anger escalate.

1. Recognize you are angry. Pause. Reflect by self-observing "you versus your anger." Calm the chatter in your mind that contributes to your anger escalating. Then decide to act instead of reacting.
2. Make a complaint; don't criticize. Open with an "I" statement, not a "you" statement. Make eye contact and ask for what you want and don't be demanding.
   
   You might say, "Sammy, I am worried that if you don't complete your homework your grades will continue to drop."
   
   Instead of, "You are such a procrastinator and getting lazier and more irresponsible. You are capable to getting better grades!"
   
   A complaint focuses on concerns and what you would like different. It is helpful.
   
   A criticism attacks a person's character or personality. It is harmful.
3. Be adaptable and allow yourself to be influenced by your teen. Ask questions and get information.
4. Listen to your teens. They will tell you what they need. Step into their shoes and understand their perspective.
5. Be willing to be flexible; then make a compromise.

These five steps will help you reduce conflict in your home and positively influence your child to be more responsible. This level of communication makes our desires, thoughts, feelings and needs known without decreasing parental liberties nor the rights and self-esteem of our children.

Your child is only a teenager once.

Why not find ways to enjoy this time in your family life? By stepping into your child's shoes and being adaptable to each situation you will find solutions that work for every family member. Your leadership will lend a hand in creating a healthier home.

One that is more harmonious, fun and friendly.